Monday, February 16, 2009

Crazy Pregnant Woman

She appeared last night - the crazy pregnant woman. She arrived at about 11:00 p.m. with all of her tears and her fears. I was sure it would just be me hanging around as DH and I prepared lists of everything we needed to do between now and baby's arrival. Thinking getting all of these things down on paper and feeling more organized would make me feel better, I was quite surprised when I found myself harboring bad feelings.

I was freaking out. I do not know how we can get everything done in the time we have and I am most frustrated because I know I will be much less useful that usual as we are going about all of this. DH has plenty to worry about without having all of these things fall on his head, so I feel guilty about that. He assures me that he is happy to do it and that I just need to ask when I need something to be done, but I do not like that our dynamic - which has worked so well for so many years - is changing because of my inability to do certain things. I do not like it one bit. He says I need to accept it and that it is okay to need him a bit more. I say he fell in love with me in part because of my independence and I really wish that trait was not disappearing along with my waistline.

The other reason for crazy pregnant woman's appearance is my fear of not being a good mom. I want so badly to be everything this child needs and I am so scared I cannot do it. What if I don't want to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? What if I do not want to hold the baby in the morning after I am dressed for fear of being spit up on? What if I just want a break and the baby is crying? What if I am just really bad at the whole parenting thing?

The pain is getting pretty bad and the nausea is just ever-present. I really do not remember what a good bowel movement feels like, but I do know I would give anything to have one. I am afraid that crazy pregnant woman will continue to rear her very ugly head until I at least get that form of relief. I read yesterday that all of these abdominal pains continue, not only throughout the pregnancy, but even afterward as the uterus shrinks back to normal size. Great.

I am taking a deep breath (maybe three deep breaths like DH had me do last night) and remembering that this is all for baby.

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