I am such a chicken. I had no idea how much of a chicken I am.
I decided that yesterday was the day to tell the boss of our little miracle in development. I was 13 weeks, 3 days, and could not find a reason not to go ahead and share the news. Part of me wanted to just let me belly speak for itself, but since I am not even close to showing yet, decided my mouth should instead do the work.
I planned to tell her first thing in the morning. Didn't tell her until 3:30 in the afternoon. I am such a chicken. I kept gearing up and then chickening out. I called DH, who asked what I was afraid she would do, and I could only answer the truth, "Nothing. She will probably be really happy for me." So why the fear? I have no idea.
I ended up in her office at 3:30 and it went something like this: "Boss, I have never done this before and don't really know how, so I am just going to say it. I am pregnant." She said she was happy for me, asked how much time I would likely want to take off (don't know - at least 12 weeks), and we discussed how we would fill my job in my absence.
So, that's done. One more checklist item complete. 6 months and 1 day until the due date!
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Crazy Pregnant Woman
She appeared last night - the crazy pregnant woman. She arrived at about 11:00 p.m. with all of her tears and her fears. I was sure it would just be me hanging around as DH and I prepared lists of everything we needed to do between now and baby's arrival. Thinking getting all of these things down on paper and feeling more organized would make me feel better, I was quite surprised when I found myself harboring bad feelings.
I was freaking out. I do not know how we can get everything done in the time we have and I am most frustrated because I know I will be much less useful that usual as we are going about all of this. DH has plenty to worry about without having all of these things fall on his head, so I feel guilty about that. He assures me that he is happy to do it and that I just need to ask when I need something to be done, but I do not like that our dynamic - which has worked so well for so many years - is changing because of my inability to do certain things. I do not like it one bit. He says I need to accept it and that it is okay to need him a bit more. I say he fell in love with me in part because of my independence and I really wish that trait was not disappearing along with my waistline.
The other reason for crazy pregnant woman's appearance is my fear of not being a good mom. I want so badly to be everything this child needs and I am so scared I cannot do it. What if I don't want to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? What if I do not want to hold the baby in the morning after I am dressed for fear of being spit up on? What if I just want a break and the baby is crying? What if I am just really bad at the whole parenting thing?
The pain is getting pretty bad and the nausea is just ever-present. I really do not remember what a good bowel movement feels like, but I do know I would give anything to have one. I am afraid that crazy pregnant woman will continue to rear her very ugly head until I at least get that form of relief. I read yesterday that all of these abdominal pains continue, not only throughout the pregnancy, but even afterward as the uterus shrinks back to normal size. Great.
I am taking a deep breath (maybe three deep breaths like DH had me do last night) and remembering that this is all for baby.
I was freaking out. I do not know how we can get everything done in the time we have and I am most frustrated because I know I will be much less useful that usual as we are going about all of this. DH has plenty to worry about without having all of these things fall on his head, so I feel guilty about that. He assures me that he is happy to do it and that I just need to ask when I need something to be done, but I do not like that our dynamic - which has worked so well for so many years - is changing because of my inability to do certain things. I do not like it one bit. He says I need to accept it and that it is okay to need him a bit more. I say he fell in love with me in part because of my independence and I really wish that trait was not disappearing along with my waistline.
The other reason for crazy pregnant woman's appearance is my fear of not being a good mom. I want so badly to be everything this child needs and I am so scared I cannot do it. What if I don't want to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? What if I do not want to hold the baby in the morning after I am dressed for fear of being spit up on? What if I just want a break and the baby is crying? What if I am just really bad at the whole parenting thing?
The pain is getting pretty bad and the nausea is just ever-present. I really do not remember what a good bowel movement feels like, but I do know I would give anything to have one. I am afraid that crazy pregnant woman will continue to rear her very ugly head until I at least get that form of relief. I read yesterday that all of these abdominal pains continue, not only throughout the pregnancy, but even afterward as the uterus shrinks back to normal size. Great.
I am taking a deep breath (maybe three deep breaths like DH had me do last night) and remembering that this is all for baby.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tipping Point
I wanna be a baby mama. Period.
After about a year-and-a-half of humming and hawing. It's true. I want to get pregnant, give birth, lose sleep, and raise a miserable teenager who will probably hate me (at least sometimes). I have reached the tipping point.
What is the tipping point when it comes to having a baby, you ask? The day you realize that, no matter how scared you are to have a baby, you are more scared that you never will. We have the financial means, steady jobs, a single family home, and supportive family and friends. It's time.
Yeah, so periods. I don't want those to come anymore. Okay, well, I want it to be able to come, but only so I know I am able to have it. So, this is what I want right now, in this order:
1) A period of appropriate flow and length.
2) To be ovulating.
3) A trackable cycle so I can tell when I ovulate.
4) To get pregnant.
Is that so much to ask? I guess time will tell. I have waited until the age of 30 to begin to try to conceive and did not really know what I was getting myself into when I started. It is a heck of a complicated process.
Even if all of the stars align, I ovulate, and DH and I happen to have sex around the time of ovulation, there is only a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant! Seriously? Geez!
Here goes nothing...
After about a year-and-a-half of humming and hawing. It's true. I want to get pregnant, give birth, lose sleep, and raise a miserable teenager who will probably hate me (at least sometimes). I have reached the tipping point.
What is the tipping point when it comes to having a baby, you ask? The day you realize that, no matter how scared you are to have a baby, you are more scared that you never will. We have the financial means, steady jobs, a single family home, and supportive family and friends. It's time.
Yeah, so periods. I don't want those to come anymore. Okay, well, I want it to be able to come, but only so I know I am able to have it. So, this is what I want right now, in this order:
1) A period of appropriate flow and length.
2) To be ovulating.
3) A trackable cycle so I can tell when I ovulate.
4) To get pregnant.
Is that so much to ask? I guess time will tell. I have waited until the age of 30 to begin to try to conceive and did not really know what I was getting myself into when I started. It is a heck of a complicated process.
Even if all of the stars align, I ovulate, and DH and I happen to have sex around the time of ovulation, there is only a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant! Seriously? Geez!
Here goes nothing...
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