Friday, January 30, 2009

Evaporation Lines are the Devil

So, I have been feeling like total crap of late. Nauseas (though that's not really an uncommon thing for me), ridiculously awful cramps, shooting uterine pains, headaches, etc., you get it. I thought that, perhaps, I was going to be one of those lucky people who got pregnant right out of the TTC gate.

Well, yesterday, I POAS and got a BFN. Boo. I was disappointed and I think DH was, too. He is still very freaked about the idea of being a dad, but I saw in his eyes that he was sad and that he was surprised he was sad.

So, last night, I did what I knew I should not do. I dug the little test out of the trash and, what do you know, but there is a faint second line there. I stared at it. I mean really stared at it. I pretty much discarded the test immediately after the default line showed and did not really look that closely. "Maybe," I thought, "This faint line was my BFP, therefore overturning my BFN." And maybe not. I knew intellectually that I needed to wrap it back up and throw it back in the circular file, but I just kept staring at it.

I then ran into the office and hopped online, looking for even one iota of evidence that my evaporation line (I knew it was an evaporation line) was really a BFP. The whole time I was Googling, I was telling myself that I needed to give up, wait a few days, and POAS again. That is, after all, the only way I am actually going to know.

But I know. Harumph. Well, my BBT should come in the mail by early next week. Let the charting begin.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Tipping Point

I wanna be a baby mama. Period.

After about a year-and-a-half of humming and hawing. It's true. I want to get pregnant, give birth, lose sleep, and raise a miserable teenager who will probably hate me (at least sometimes). I have reached the tipping point.

What is the tipping point when it comes to having a baby, you ask? The day you realize that, no matter how scared you are to have a baby, you are more scared that you never will. We have the financial means, steady jobs, a single family home, and supportive family and friends. It's time.

Yeah, so periods. I don't want those to come anymore. Okay, well, I want it to be able to come, but only so I know I am able to have it. So, this is what I want right now, in this order:

1) A period of appropriate flow and length.

2) To be ovulating.

3) A trackable cycle so I can tell when I ovulate.

4) To get pregnant.

Is that so much to ask? I guess time will tell. I have waited until the age of 30 to begin to try to conceive and did not really know what I was getting myself into when I started. It is a heck of a complicated process.

Even if all of the stars align, I ovulate, and DH and I happen to have sex around the time of ovulation, there is only a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant! Seriously? Geez!

Here goes nothing...