Baby needs to sleep

Baby needs to sleep. No, the little one is not (yet) moving around at night and keeping me awake. I am currently dwelling on the fact that we have to figure out what furniture to buy. The choices and variety of price points are overwhelming. I know... I should be used to this overwhelmed feeling by now, but I'm just not. We went to Buy Buy Baby on Sunday night and received an entire hour-long session on cribs and mattresses. Do we want drop-sided or static? Convertible or crib-only? If want a convertible, should it go just to toddler bed? Or also to full-size bed? Then, of course, are all of the questions that go along with the answers. If you want a convertible, are you sure you won't need the crib for a second child in the next few years? Umm... can I just get this one into the world before I start to think about the second one? PLEASE?!?

I have been having these little pains for a few days now. At first I thought perhaps I was feeling the baby earlier than most women feel their child, but then I realized that the description of a "flutter" that women use to discuss the first feelings of baby's movement did not quite capture the pangs I am feeling. Then, I thought that perhaps I am feeling baby's hiccups - it's about the right timing and the description of a feeling of "muscle jerks" is more in line with said pangs. No, pretty sure that is not it either. Maybe it is Braxton-Hicks contractions. Some women do feel them in the second trimester, but I am just starting the second trimester, so that does not make much sense. I have a scheduled appointment for Thursday, so I am holding out for two more days, though I did call the doctor's office to ensure that was the best course of action. As I have not had any bleeding, they agreed.

Side note - I can't believe we are having the "big ultrasound" in less than a month! Is baby be a boy or a girl? So exciting!!!

First Appointment was Today!!!

I was really nervous and got more nervous as the appointment continued. I checked in and the front desk lady asked me for my co-payment and a urine sample. I paid the $30 and headed to the rest room. My nerves became obvious when I spilled about half of the pee in my cup on my hand. I now understand why most doctors' offices have tops for said cups.

Back out to the lobby I went to see my husband and wait for the nurse to call me back. About ten minutes later, I heard my name from across the waiting room and followed the cartoon-scrubbed nurse back to the weigh station. First surprise - I have lost weight. Odd, I thought, but I was assured that it is normal, or at least not abnormal or anything to worry about. I answered her questions about symptoms - fatigue, check; nausea - check; breast tenderness - check, vomiting - nope! I felt tears forming as I realized (again) that this is real. I held it together, though, and she asked how many pregnancies I have had. "Zero," I said. "Er. I mean, one." My husband chuckled.

DH and I headed to the exam room. The nurse looked at us and said, "Take off everything from the waist down," and walked out. We laughed because she did not specify that it was me who was to remove our clothes. I remarked to DH that I love meeting people for the first time when I am not wearing pants.

After some conversation about how we can't believe we are here, the doctor came in and got down to business. She stared at the screen for a bit before asking when my due date was. Nervous. I answered and she said that looked to be the same. Relief. Then she said she was looking for the heartbeat. Nervous. Then she let us hear it. So much relief. Then, I saw the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. Our baby's heart, flickering on the screen as we heard the fast little beats.

Amazing. It's the word that I think most often about this whole experience and today fit right in. AMAZING.

No wine = Whine

It has been a rough week. Work was insanely busy and I have been feeling pretty crappy. Last night was the icing on the crappy feelingness, as I spent about 30 minutes on the bathroom floor, silently begging for the bad cramping and intolerable nausea to fade so I could crawl back into bed and try to sleep. It sucked because I had my first real work out for the first time since the BFP last night and it was wonderful. I swam for about 30 minutes and it hurt, but it was such a good hurt and the weightlessness felt amazing for my aching body.

On Wednesday night, after my third very rough day this week, I went home and sat down to dinner with DH, who has also had a rough week at work. The difference? He got to have wine and I did not. Now, I know there are some doctors who tell people they can drink in moderation during pregnancy and mine my even be one of them, but I am not taking any chances with our little one. The studies show that no amount of alcohol is safe, so I am sticking with no amount of alcohol. Unfortunately for DH, less wine for me means more whine!

I will be six weeks tomorrow, meaning baby is entering his or her seventh week of life. Less than two weeks until the first doctor's appointment and the first ultrasound. I cannot wait to see baby's little heart beating on that screen!

If I had a crystal ball...

I found myself wondering last night what moment I would want to see in baby's life if I had a crystal ball (that would, for some reason, only work once). I thought it would be nice to see the moment baby is born with a clock in the picture so I can know how long labor will last once I start. That would be a waste, though. I also thought about wanting to see the moment my child makes a really bad decision so I could be ready to intervene when the time comes, but I want my child to make mistakes so he or she can learn from them. So, that would be a waste, too.

I have decided this: I would like to see the moment of my child's life that happens after I am no longer of this earth when he or she is the happiest. I do believe that my loved ones who have passed on watch over me and that they will also watch over my child, but I would love to see that moment now. To know that, no matter what I do or do not do as a parent, my child will experience that bliss in the future. This crystal ball view is obviously not going to happen, but the thought of it calms me for some reason.

In hindsight, I realize that no part of me thought about focusing on whether the child is a girl or a boy in my future seeing. That also calms me a bit. I have consistently said that I do not care whether we have a boy or a girl, as long as he or she is healthy. Guess I am not just fooling myself. I really do feel that way.

On another note, my day-by-day calendar from the baby's perspective came in the mail yesterday. I read this morning's entry and got so excited - baby is the size of a pea today. The calendar entry said he or she is now 10,000 times the size he or she was at conception. Truly amazing. I am humbled to be a part of this miracle. I called DH to read him the entry. He was equally moved. Hang in there, little pea!

First Appointment post-BFP

I spent yesterday afternoon at the doctor's office. I needed a doctor to confirm that I am pregnant, mostly because DH still did not really believe it. In truth, I'm not sure either of still really believes it. It is so surreal when I think about the little being growing inside of me.

I had told DH he could miss only one appointment through the pregnancy and that this was it. He had meetings in the afternoon and I did not think it would be worth if for him to skip out on them or scramble to reschedule just for this mini-appointment. Yesterday morning, though, he emailed me to say he was coming because he wanted to be there. Yup - I picked a good guy to be the babydaddygonnabe for my little one.

After waiting for 45 minutes because of the doc's meeting with a pharmaceutical rep, she came in and said, "Congratulations!" We just mumbled, "Thanks." It is just surreal. Have I mentioned that it is surreal? Because I am havin to head to the bathroom about five times more frequently than usual, she test for a UTI, which, thankfully I do not have. Apparently, baby is already letting my body know who's boss and pushing on my bladder as much as possible. I guess all of those earlier cramps were uterine stretching after all.

DH and I talked again last night about when we want to tell family. My doc recommended telling family immediately, but we really wanted to wait until the 8 week appointment. Something about seeing/hearing proof of the baby will make it more real and something more to share. So, now we are re-thinking the whole time line. No decision yet, but you'll hear it here first.

I keep going to different Web sites to read about what baby is doing today and to see images of what baby looks like right now. What an incredible, miraculous thing this is. I am so excited. And so scared. And so happy.

I love you, baby.

After my visit with the doc, I headed to the bookstore. I have already read the Mayo pregnancy guide, but I wanted to see what else is out there and also wanted to find some books for DH to read. I pretty much struck out for myself in terms of substantive information because I felt like each of the books I picked up covered information that is in the very comprehensive Mayo book. I did, however, buy "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McArthy and a pregnancy journal. I also found two books for DH. He was happy to get them and told me this morning that he is trying to "get through this book I'm reading so I can start on those." It makes me happy that he wants to read about it. We're both kind of academic that way. Knowing the facts makes coping a bit easier.

My cramps have subsided a bit at this point and only show from time to time. I think my boobs are a bit rounder, but can't say they are particularly bigger or all that sore. Constipation is definitely an issue. If I'm not constipated, I'm having diarrhea. It's awesome. Definitely no glow here... yet.

A Racing Mind is a Mommy's Mind

What to expect when you're expecting....

I imagine it is different for everyone. I am a bit obsessive (see earlier posts for proof) and I like to be in control, so this whole pregnancy thing is going to be quite a ride for me.

All day long, it has just been right along with me during everything I am doing. Buy an iPhone case. Realize the iPhone is probably the last splurge I/we will be making for quite some time that is not baby related. (Good thing we bought them last night.) Eat lunch. Realize I am actually eating for two (no matter how cliche that is), and opt for steamed veggies instead of mac n' cheese. Rest when I should be doing laundry. Excuse myself from chores because the baby needs me to rest. Hmmm... I might like this whole thing after all! :)

Anyway, this is just crazy. It is unexpected, but wonderful. Overwhelming, but so exciting. DH is still pretty numb I think, but he is definitely riding the emotional rollercoaster about it. He is waiting to get excited until after we got confirmation from a doc. Um, three tests. Three positive tests. Pretty sure it's confirmed. That and these freakin' gas pains, but there will be plenty more on that later, I'm sure.

Today, baby is probably somewhere between .014 and .04 inches long and trying to resemble a tadpole. Today, baby is growing inside of me. Deep breath - this is wild.

Evaporation Lines are the Devil

So, I have been feeling like total crap of late. Nauseas (though that's not really an uncommon thing for me), ridiculously awful cramps, shooting uterine pains, headaches, etc., you get it. I thought that, perhaps, I was going to be one of those lucky people who got pregnant right out of the TTC gate.

Well, yesterday, I POAS and got a BFN. Boo. I was disappointed and I think DH was, too. He is still very freaked about the idea of being a dad, but I saw in his eyes that he was sad and that he was surprised he was sad.

So, last night, I did what I knew I should not do. I dug the little test out of the trash and, what do you know, but there is a faint second line there. I stared at it. I mean really stared at it. I pretty much discarded the test immediately after the default line showed and did not really look that closely. "Maybe," I thought, "This faint line was my BFP, therefore overturning my BFN." And maybe not. I knew intellectually that I needed to wrap it back up and throw it back in the circular file, but I just kept staring at it.

I then ran into the office and hopped online, looking for even one iota of evidence that my evaporation line (I knew it was an evaporation line) was really a BFP. The whole time I was Googling, I was telling myself that I needed to give up, wait a few days, and POAS again. That is, after all, the only way I am actually going to know.

But I know. Harumph. Well, my BBT should come in the mail by early next week. Let the charting begin.

Tipping Point

I wanna be a baby mama. Period.

After about a year-and-a-half of humming and hawing. It's true. I want to get pregnant, give birth, lose sleep, and raise a miserable teenager who will probably hate me (at least sometimes). I have reached the tipping point.

What is the tipping point when it comes to having a baby, you ask? The day you realize that, no matter how scared you are to have a baby, you are more scared that you never will. We have the financial means, steady jobs, a single family home, and supportive family and friends. It's time.

Yeah, so periods. I don't want those to come anymore. Okay, well, I want it to be able to come, but only so I know I am able to have it. So, this is what I want right now, in this order:

1) A period of appropriate flow and length.

2) To be ovulating.

3) A trackable cycle so I can tell when I ovulate.

4) To get pregnant.

Is that so much to ask? I guess time will tell. I have waited until the age of 30 to begin to try to conceive and did not really know what I was getting myself into when I started. It is a heck of a complicated process.

Even if all of the stars align, I ovulate, and DH and I happen to have sex around the time of ovulation, there is only a 20 percent chance of getting pregnant! Seriously? Geez!

Here goes nothing...